On the Common 110

The Cost of Forgiveness.

Hello everyone,

Last week our oldest child turned twenty-three, which is the age I was when I had him. I bought him a microwave, socks, and sheets for his birthday, and he was legitimately excited about all three things.

Parenting is…different in these years. Different but great.

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The Part Where There’s an Essay: What Forgiveness Costs

A few weeks ago, with our small group of newly married couples, we covered the forgiveness chapters in Paul David Tripp’s excellent book Marriage (formerly published under the title What Did You Expect?). This couplet of chapters is probably my favorite bit of the book. Tripp does an excellent job covering the difficult demands of forgiving–not only forgiving generally, but forgiving the same person, again and again. He gives us some danger signs of bitterness. He kindly relates to our struggles. He reminds us that God’s grace is sufficient.

Somewhere along the line, we’ve misunderstood forgiveness as something that’s free. In one sense of applying the Gospel, forgiveness is absolutely free. We are made heirs with Christ through no merit of our own; we are not judged based on works; we do nothing to achieve our salvation. In this sense, we understand God’s forgiveness to be “free.”

However, this “free gift” came at a great cost to God himself. God the Son paid dearly for our unity with himself and his father. It was not free.

Tim Keller explains this helpfully in his book The Prodigal God when he fleshes out the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15). After seeing the welcome that the younger son receives upon his return home, the elder son is furious and refuses to join in the celebration. The father goes after him:

“‘Son,’ he said to him, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” (v 31-32)

We can understand this part of his speech very literally: “...everything I have is yours.” 

The younger son already took and spent his part of the inheritance; therefore, we must understand that everything that remains belongs to the older son. The ring that went on the younger brother’s finger; the robe around his shoulders; the fatted calf prepared for the feast–this is all the older brother’s property by right. The lavish forgiveness demonstrated by the father is at the cost of the older brother. It isn’t free.

Keller says, “Mercy and forgiveness must be free and unmerited to the wrongdoer. If the wrongdoer has to do something to merit it, then it isn’t mercy, but forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.” (p .83)

(Of course, Jesus is our perfect elder brother, which Tim goes on to expound upon. Of course, you should read the book.)

Because of this “free forgiveness” misunderstanding, we can sometimes trick ourselves into thinking that forgiving our spouse should be easy. Why are we so bad at it? Why does it still require so much effort? The fact is–it’s difficult because it’s costly. It costs us pride, convenience, comfort, and safety. It hurts. 

What’s more than this, it reminds us of the times we’ve needed forgiveness and cost someone else dearly.

Ruth Bell Graham famously said, “A marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I imagine, with a husband who traveled as much as hers did, with lots of little kids in her house, Ruth had plenty of practice in forgiveness.

Let’s not forget: forgiveness is something we must practice. It’s difficult work sometimes. It costs. It ought to be entered into with prayer for grace and a plea for help, looking to our perfect elder brother for an example.

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For the Anglophiles

From Twitter, here is a shot from the North End of Boston:

(This is not far from the Old North Church, where the “one-if-by-land, two-if-by-sea” lanterns were hung and reenactments are common.)

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Reads & Listens of the Week

A good reminder for all of us trying to rehab our workout routines here in the month of January: Work Out Your Body…and Your Soul. There is no substitute for long-term consistency.

I was on the blog at The Good Book Company last week, giving some advice on attempting to restart your homeschool year after the holidays.

Navigating Loss in Children’s Literature: “Part of telling good stories is remembering that not all chapters end with smiles on our faces.” This is exactly right.

Along the same theme, I was recently reminded of this older letter from author Kate DiCamillo: Why Children’s Books Should Be a Little Sad. “So that’s the question, I guess, for you and for me and for all of us trying to do this sacred task of telling stories for the young: How do we tell the truth and make that truth bearable?”

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…we must be persuaded not only that as he once formed the world, so he sustains it by his boundless power, governs it by his wisdom, preserves it by his goodness…. (John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, 1.2.1)